Falling in Love

Falling in love involves an unconscious as well as physical and chemical response to another person, which is much more compelling than simply finding someone to be attractive and compatible. Often, when we fall in love, we get a feeling of wholeness because we have met someone who carries qualities we lack in an irresistible way.

For example, a practical, rational man falls in love with a spiritual or emotional woman, even though most women of that type annoy him. Or a strong, assertive woman falls in love with a sensitive, artistic man, even though she finds most such men to be weak.

The conscious mind seeks similarity and is repelled by the opposite. The unconscious, however, seeks balance, and is drawn to the qualities one needs most, but only when they are expressed in an acceptable and appealing way.

Being in love creates an anticipation of fulfillment because the unconscious senses the possibility of becoming whole, if only we could integrate those unfamiliar qualities that reside in the Other without rejecting our own primary personality. The initial falling in love, like infatuation, overwhelms us with a feeling that involves a chemical response akin to being intoxicated. We’re in a state of awe and wonder regarding our partner, which often inspires our partner to feel confident, happy, and open — three enticing qualities that keep the magic going.

Falling out of Love

Later in the relationship, the chemical cocktail of oxytocin and dopamine from the initial romantic attraction wears off. At that point, unless we are the exception and continue to cherish our partner and integrate some of those needed contrasting qualities of our partner, those same qualities that drew the unconscious in often start driving us crazy. The conscious mind is back in charge, viewing our partner’s differences with negative judgment.

For example, the practical, rational man can no longer stand his partner’s emotional melodramatics. Or the strong, assertive woman is now turned off by her partner’s vulnerability.

The irony is that as partners reject those contrasting qualities, they polarize into extremes, exhibiting their opposing qualities in an increasingly unattractive way. No wonder many people ask themselves, “What happened to the person I married?”

The rational man becomes cold, causing the emotional woman to become histrionic in an effort to get him to show his emotions. When he finally does show his emotions, they are the emotions of anger and resentment, not love and compassion.

Or the strong woman becomes demanding and tough, causing the sensitive man to feel helpless and unseen. “Be a man!” she demands, which only causes him to feel utterly impotent. She loses her opportunity to gain some needed sensitivity; he misses out on developing some needed strength.

Love as a Chosen Attitude

How we treat another person affects the other person’s confidence and often causes him or her to gain or lose desirability in our eyes. The more we appreciate our partner, the more he or she carries the qualities we fell in love with in an enticing way, and thus, the more likely we are to get that loving feeling back again.

The conscious act of love involves choosing to have an attitude of appreciation for our partner, and particularly for his or her differences as we did when we fell in love. Thus, love is in large part dependent on our intention, appreciation, and action.

Invest in the Person

To reclaim the feeling of love, both partners need to choose to invest their time and energy in their relationship, particularly where their most stark differences lie. That doesn’t mean that they should spend every minute together, becoming fused and codependent. However, they both must choose to make their relationship a primary focus in their lives by doing some of the following:

1. Respect each Other: We need to speak as though the other person has influence over us, without being dismissive or condescending. We need to repeatedly interact with each other in ways that show that we think the other is competent and capable. Again, this requires that we don’t let our conscious preferences, such as being practical, sensitive, or tough, be in charge of our reactions.

2. Plan the Future: When couples no longer talk about their dreams, hopes, and plans, this often indicates that their relationship is in decline. Talking about plans for the future—this weekend, next year, and twenty years from now—creates anticipation for the future as a couple. Current difficulties are easier to deal with when couples have something to look forward to.

3. Trust: A loving relationship is based on trust, that is, on having faith that our partner is dependable, honest, and faithful. Showing faith and trust in our partner often helps develop trust. We do this by gradually disclosing more about who we are to the other person without fearing that we will be judged and rejected, and without manipulating the other person into approving and agreeing with us all the time. We must also have the discipline to avoid re-actively criticizing our partner when he or she discloses personal thoughts and feelings.

4. Enjoy: Enjoying the other person’s company with his or her differences is an important feature of love. We should get pleasure from doing things together and from supporting and caring for the other person.

5. Take Action: Doing things for another person can be an expression of love. We can create feelings of love through acting out of love, rather than passively waiting for those feelings of infatuation to overcome us. If both people are passively waiting to feel in love again, they are likely to be disappointed.

6. Be Affectionate: With loyalty, affection, and faithfulness, intimacy deepens into something even more meaningful than the initial feelings of falling in love.

7. Cultivate Passion: Sustaining passion requires intense engagement, fascination, and thinking about the other person with desire. This is something we can actively conjure up rather than passively waiting for it.

Sustaining love is an art, which requires conscious cultivation. Yet, it can be deeper, more meaningful, and just as passionate as the initial infatuation. It starts with our own conscious choice to appreciate and enjoy the differences between us.

As the rational man in our example opens his heart and expresses some emotion, his partner may learn to contain some of her emotion rather than gushing, which will benefit both partners and the relationship. As the strong, assertive woman accesses some sensitivity and restrains her desire to be in control, she makes room for her partner to become self-empowered and less driven by his vulnerability. Ideally, both partners strive for more balance within themselves, which is part of the journey toward individuation.

Often, the more we embrace and try to integrate our partner’s different way of being, the more our partner will gain a more balanced way of being as well, resulting in both partners blossoming into more whole and individuated people.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “We broke up because of sexual incompatibility.”

Read “I always fall madly in love; we do everything together; and then, out of the blue, I get dumped.”

Read “Falling in Love & the Unconscious: ‘I’m crazy in love. But friends say I’m setting myself up to be rejected again.’”

Generally, people experience a parent as either too involved or not involved enough. In the first case, the parent may seem controlling, overwhelming, or hovering. In the second case, a parent may seem indifferent, abandoning, or not present.

It is normal to develop mild defense mechanisms even with good parenting. These defenses are healthy when used consciously. However, they limit our choices when we react unconsciously or in an extreme way.

A child can develop defense mechanisms to the under-involved parent. Abandonment includes not only the indifference of the parent, but also environmental insufficiency, for instance, poverty, prejudice, or a wartime childhood.

Children tend to engage in magical thinking, which says to them that the world around them is a message about them.” If my mother neglects me, or I am poor and never have enough food, I must be unworthy and bad.” There are four typical responses to a sense of lack, the first two of which involve internalizing poor self-esteem.*

1. Self-sabbotage: Patterns of self-sabotage develop as a way to confirm poor self-esteem—that I am not worthy of success, happiness or good things happening. The child feels a certain comfort in the familiarity of continuing to fail.

2. Grandiosity: Some people over-compensate for an unconscious sense of poor self-esteem. They try to prove they are worthwhile by driving an expensive car, having a big house, achieving many milestones, and/or developing an impressive outer appearance. If all one’s effort is spent in these pursuits, little time is left for less showy and more personal fulfillment.

3. Serving the narcissist: A chronic sense of emptiness leads children to serve the narcissistic parents, who are stage-door mothers or hockey-team fathers. Even when the child makes the parent proud, there’s a feeling of lack in the relationship. The parent is simply unable to relate to the child other than to use his or her accomplishments to feed the parent’s narcissism. Even after growing up, the narcissist’s child experiences a sense of living someone else’s life.

4. Neediness: Through an inordinate search for reassurance or pats on the back the needy person seeks to feel worthwhile. The birth of addictions can occur as an attempt to manage anxiety by connection. For instance, excessive materialism, serial relationships, and distraction result from a longing to satiate. The longing never stops as the human spirit is never satisfied in these ways.

While our defense mechanisms originally served to help us survive or thrive in our childhood environment, as adults, reflexive responses dis-empower us. Once we recognize that a defense mechanism may imprison us, we can begin to think twice before acting and make new choices to live the life we desire.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

*Reference: James Hollis, PhD, Author and Senior Jungian Analyst

Read “Family visits: ‘I feel overwhelmed thinking about my family visiting next week.’”

Read “‘My parent was controlling.’ How we develop Defense Mechanisms (Part I)”

Musical Gems by Mimi Stuart ©

Generally, people experience their parents as either too engulfing or indifferent. Depending on their personality, children of a strong parent who is engulfing/controlling/hovering tend to develop one of the following belief systems:

1. The compliant person believes “I should be sweet, self-sacrificing, and saintly.”

2. The aggressive person says “I should be powerful, recognized, and a winner.”

3. The withdrawing person believes “I should be independent, aloof, and perfect.”

1. Compliance: While accommodation is sometimes appropriate, it is not okay when it becomes reflexive and automatic. An emotional chameleon ceases to have personal integrity. In extreme cases, compliant people feel they have no will of their own. They become totally dependent on what others think, expect and want of them. This can lead to harm of oneself and others.

2. Power Complex: Assertive behavior is an attempt to try to get control. We need to be self-empowered. But when power becomes one-sided or unconscious, it becomes aggressive and problematic. In the extreme you get the sociopath who must be in total control and disregards the welfare of others. Dictators exhibit the power complex in the extreme.

3. Avoidance: The withdrawing person steps away from anything threatening, and suppresses reflection about difficult issues. This is sometimes a wise move, but not when it is done without conscious choice or in every situation. Whenever there is avoidance, the unconscious perceives that the Other is a large and powerful force and that he or she is not. In extreme cases, a person may become disconnected from reality or even dissociative.

Why bother figuring out what anxiety-management systems we use? The moment we become aware of our automatic psychological reflexes, we open up the opportunity to make genuine choices. We can ask ourselves what these responses cause us to do and prevent us from doing? Where are we stuck?

With awareness of our unconscious belief systems, we can thoughtfully choose whether to comply, withdraw, or assert ourselves, among other possible responses, depending on the situation, rather than having the same knee-jerk reaction in every situation. When we start responding differently, we can transform our old patterns to new adventures of our choosing.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “My parent didn’t care about me.” How we develop Defense Mechanisms (Part II)

Read “She’s just like my mother! — so weak!” “He’s just like my father — so controlling!”

Reference and recommended reading and seminars: James Hollis, PhD, Author and Senior Jungian Analyst

"In the Loop" - Furyk by Mimi Stuart ©

Is it healthier to have stress or no stress in your life?

It depends. As you would expect, longevity and well-being tend to be greater for those with less stress in their lives rather than more stress but no control over it. Studies found clear signs of accelerated aging in those who reported the least control over their lives.

Surprisingly, however, you tend to live the longest, feel happiest, and have the strongest immune system when you DO have stress if it is under your control rather than if you have practically no stress at all. Stress causes cortisol, and having too little cortisol can be just as unhealthy as having too much. Active participation in directing your life with its inherent difficulties turns out to be better than passive acceptance of an easy life or helplessness in face of a difficult life.

Life is rarely stress-free because it requires us to deal with the unknown. However, the more practice we get in handling the unknown, the more confidently we can approach life. The same hold true for hardships; the more actively we endeavor to handle hardships, the greater our ability to take appropriate action in the future.

A good anti-aging tip, therefore, is to only focus on difficulties you can do something about. Taking control requires taking positive steps to deal with challenges, not simply ignoring them and suppressing the resulting stress. Such steps include
    ~ prioritizing your life,
    ~ changing your situation,
    ~ changing your perspective, and — just as important —
    ~ relieving the mounting tension in healthy ways such as exercising, relaxing with friends or family, and developing a sense of humor.

The violin makes its most beautiful resonance only when its strings are under enough tension.

                                                                                                     ~Charlie Stuart

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Watch “Natural Defenses in Preventing and Treating Cancer” by Dr. David Servan-Schreiber.

Read “Oh NO! Not another problem!”

"Snubhubbub" by Mimi Stuart ©

1. You don’t let your friend establish his or her own impression and identity. You taint the new relationship and their rapport with prejudice and expectation rather than allowing it to evolve in a more interesting and natural way.

2. Ironically, you reduce your friends to their accomplishments. The character and essence of a person are more important and intangible than a checklist of accomplishments.

3. You imply that you primarily appreciate your friends for their accomplishments and may not appreciate the nuances and mystery of who they really are.

4. You give the impression that you are trying to boost your own self-esteem by boasting about being connected to someone “important,” “smart,” or “talented.” This says more about you than your friend.

5. Blatant flattery puts friends in the position of either being embarrassed and then having to downplay their accomplishments, or of showing that they like to have their ego publicly stroked.

6. By playing up your friend’s achievements, you might cause others to feel inferior.

There are some people who will be delighted if you introduce them with a fanfare-accompanied list of their achievements. However, you actually show more faith in a friend by introducing him or her with a simple “This is my good friend Alex.”

Of course, there are always exceptions. In business, relevant detailed introductions are necessary, and sometimes it could be helpful to let people know that they have something of interest in common. Both can be done without flattery.

Nothing is so great an example of bad manners as flattery. If you flatter all the company, you please none; If you flatter only one or two, you offend the rest.

~Jonathan Swift

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Bragging on a first date: ‘I graduated with top honors and live on Knobhill.’”

More articles at SoWhatIReallyMeant.com

"Two Tunes" by Mimi Stuart ©

How often have you heard people say, “I still love him/her, but I’m not in love anymore”? Very often this loss of passion is the result of falling into a “positive bonding pattern” through countless decisions to hide true opinions and feelings to appease the other person.

“Positive bonding patterns,” which feel good at first because they are comfortable and safe, are ironically detrimental for the long-term health of a relationship. Each person puts on an attitude of agreement to placate the other and to avoid bringing up painful points of view or differing opinions. Each accommodates the other beyond the point of reasonable compromise.

Positive bonding patterns usually occur because we don’t want to rock the boat. Anxious to avoid upsetting the other person, we keep difficult thoughts and feelings to ourselves and put on a happy face.

However, thoughts and feelings that are hidden in a relationship will grow and fester. Eventually, the positive bonding pattern will lead to a lifeless relationship or a negative bonding pattern, in which fighting, anger, and bitterness will consume the relationship.

If a woman, for instance, doesn’t like the way her partner physically touches her but never says anything about it, the physical relationship is likely to peter out. She might remain agreeable, but she will find ways of avoiding physical intimacy.

Likewise, a man who never reveals that he dislikes the way his partner treats him may suddenly leave the relationship after years of acquiescence, in search of the dignity and respect he craves.

If one person does not express his or her differing opinions, discussions are likely to become dull and one-sided, and eventually come to an end. Silent judgments intensify. The relationship becomes stagnant and predictable. Sexual intimacy loses its passion or disappears. One’s opinions and preferences go underground. One loses one’s passion for life, and ultimately, one’s sense of self.

Here are some keys to avoid a positive bonding pattern:

1. Learn to communicate effectively, so that you can be honest without being offensive.

2. Avoid pretending to think or feel something that you don’t in order to keep the peace. You’re less likely to develop underground judgments and resentments.

3. Resist becoming overly dependent on another person, and you’ll feel less need to mollify the other.

4. Minimize overreacting, manipulating, and controlling your partner into doing what you want and agreeing with you, and it will be easier for your partner to retain a sense of self, which is vital for sustaining a long-term passionate relationship.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Too much guilt: ‘He makes me feel guilty if I don’t do what he wants.’”

Read “Disappointing others: ‘I am not good at confrontation because I don’t want to hurt people.’”

Recommended: Hal and Sidra Stone’s “Partnering: A New Kind of Relationship.”

"Passion — Eclipse 500" by Mimi Stuart ©

Facebook time is increasingly contributing to the erosion of real-life loving relationships. Here are two primary ways in which such technological devotion can insidiously take a toll on existing relationships with loved ones:

1. Facebook Overload

There is nothing wrong with keeping in touch with friends and enjoying the entertainment value of Facebook and other social media. Friendship, camaraderie, community, entertainment, and laughter are very healthy human pursuits. For some people, who might be shy, housebound, or isolated from friends, social media provides a wonderful opportunity to communicate with friends and to participate in community. Many people enjoy getting in touch with a variety of people they might not otherwise stay in touch with, sharing photos and status updates.

Yet, for some people, such pastime easily turns into a compulsive addiction. When you start to crave getting online and impulsively logging on without any specific goal, you may find yourself wasting a lot of time.

You only need to ask yourself how honestly proud, pleased, or fulfilled you feel after spending time on Facebook to know whether you are squandering your time. Sometimes you DO feel good about the time spent — that you’ve had some laughs, made some connections with people, found out about a great event, or seen some interesting videos. But other times you might feel empty and dazed as though you’ve been flipping channels between bad TV stations for the past hour.

2. Curiosity, Attractions, and Fantasies

It’s human nature to be curious about what’s happened to old friends and lovers and to be intrigued about people you find interesting or attractive. However, when you start nosing around on Facebook much beyond a one-time glance at people you find attractive, you may be taking that time and intention away from your real relationships and other activities that you may want to pursue to become the best person you can be.

Given the apparent confidentiality of being online, curiosity can slip into voyeurism. When you start repeatedly checking out particular individuals’ photos and entries, it’s easy to project your fantasies on them. After all, they generally post only their most attractive photos. When you don’t have an in-depth relationship with someone, you fill in the unknowns with whatever you most desire.

There’s usually nothing harmful in having momentary fantasies. Being attracted to others is normal and not necessarily damaging. What’s unhealthy and destructive is thinking obsessively about them. Ultimately, directing your energy toward your fantasy will come at the expense of your real relationships.

When you look at the photos and follow the profiles of those people you find attractive repeatedly, you can easily start having obsessive projections and fantasies about them. This can significantly erode the real-life relationship you have, even if your significant other is not aware of the direction of your attention. If much of your energy and focus is directed toward these fantasies, then the lack of attention, openness, love and passion in your real-world relationships will eventually destroy those real-time relationships.

If you’re not in relationship, obsessive fantasies can similarly prevent you from interacting face to face with people and learning how to develop live relationships with people.

Solutions

With self-awareness and a desire to choose the life you want to live and the type of relationships you want to have, you can monitor your habits and change them.

It is very simple to see how much time you spend on Facebook each week, and to think about what else you might have accomplished in that time. Then you can decide if you want to reduce that time spent online.

You can also check out your browser history over the past few months and see how you have been using Facebook and other social media and ask yourself if you are being obsessive about specific people or topics. Think about whether that time looking at others’ photos has inspired and enhanced your real-time relationships and your life, or whether you are eroding your relationships and demeaning yourself by developing a preference for engaging in fantasy over other choices you might make.

Life is a series of experiences and adjustments. To live the life you desire, it helps to look at the choices you’re making and tweak them to best serve the goals you set for yourself. It’s less painful to make those adjustments frequently, before your patterns of behavior wreak havoc on your life and relationships.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Relationship Blog: So What I Really Meant...

Read “Text… phone call… email… ‘Oh…what were you saying?’”

Read “After multiple affairs, he promised he’d never cheat on me again. Can I trust him this time?”

Sustaining a fulfilling, long-term relationship is tricky because it requires several essential qualities that may seem contradictory. Most problems in relationships occur because one of these crucial elements is missing or they are out of balance. All five of the following elements are critical in all fulfilling relationships, and particularly in long-term passionate, love relationships.

1. Respect — Show Respect

Frequent irritability, criticism, or contempt destroys the connection and love in a relationship. John Gottman’s research shows that unless respect is shown at least 80% of the time, the relationship will spiral downward toward misery and divorce.

Most of us occasionally get short with a loved one, and should quickly apologize for any rudeness. It is essential that we show that we value, respect, and appreciate our loved one on a daily basis.

2. Self-respect — Respect Yourself

Frequent self-criticism or an unwillingness to stop disrespectful behavior from others invites disrespect. The fear of speaking up and being rejected encourages further rudeness.

Demeaning self-criticism should be changed into constructive, positive self-talk. We must show that we have respect for ourselves, and therefore, stand up to rudeness, even if it is not in our nature to do so. While others aren’t perfect and may be rude occasionally, we must stop such disrespect instantly and on each occasion with a comment, such as, “Excuse me?” or “That tone does not work for me,” or “You’re pushing me away. Please say it more politely.”

3. Independence — Retain Self-Reliance

Being too dependent on another person to meet our emotional, financial, or intellectual needs oppresses the relationship and stifles the passion.

While it is not necessary to maintain absolute independence or contribute equally in every area, we should aspire to be self-reliant in most areas, as well as to think autonomously and retain our own interests. Nurturing our individual work, passions, and relationships with friends and family vitalizes the soul and prevents us from becoming overly needy and dependent on a loved one.

4. Kindness — Be Caring

Living a self-absorbed life leads to a hollow and desolate heart. Independence does not preclude kindness, generosity, or caring. In fact, it allows one to give out of a sense of fullness rather than a sense of need.

The joy of being considerate, giving, and supportive to our loved ones is one of the greatest pleasures in life. Making someone you love happy or simply making his or her life a bit easier often provides the greatest joy of being in a relationship.

5. Shared Enjoyment — Have Fun Together

A relationship based solely on daily practicalities and responsibilities loses passion over time.

Fun, romance, and adventure keep the relationship vitally alive. Daily appreciation, laughter, and interaction foster a healthy, happy, passionate relationship.

Balance — Strive for All Five

Most of us tend to emphasize two or three of the essential elements of a fulfilling relationship but lose sight of the importance of two or three others. Balancing all five elements — respect, self-respect, self-reliance, kindness, and shared enjoyment — is critical for sustaining a fulfilling, long-term passionate relationship.

Relationships are full of ups and downs and are never in perfect balance. We must continuously strive toward maintaining or reestablishing harmony and balance.

Unfortunately, it is not all up to one person. It takes two to tango, but only one to get out of step. Yet, striving to balance these five vital elements in all of our relationships makes our lives and relationships more fulfilling and robust.

Relationships are like a dance
It’s as much about your patience, kindness, confidence,
and sense of rhythm as it is about your partner.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read more articles on healthy relationships: "So What I really Meant..."

Read “’My parents were so dysfunctional, I don’t even know what a good relationship looks like.’ Dance as a metaphor.”

Read “Positive Bonding Patterns: ‘We never fight, but we don’t talk anymore and there’s no more passion.’”

Fragmented attention does not allow you to focus on any one thing long enough to code it into your memory well. Poor memory leads to the frustration of making mistakes and wasting time. Research shows that a person who is interrupted takes 50% longer to complete a given task and will make 50% more mistakes.

Furthermore, fragmented attention does not make the person you’re talking to feel valued.

Focused attention is essential to working memory (which used to be called short-term memory.) Neuropsychologist John Arden explains that, “if working memory is impaired, long-term memory will experience a famine of new information. If the road to long-term memory through working memory is blocked, the ‘supplies’ (memories) can’t get through.”

If, for example, you are texting during dinner while conversing with your family, your focus will be fragmented and your working memory jeopardized. When you are distracted, you forget the detail of the story being told—your working memory hasn’t been encoded into your prefrontal cortex yet. So you have to ask, “What were you just talking about?” after glancing at a text.

Paying attention is key to good memory. Arden recommends the following to cultivate memory:

1. Resist having your attention fragmented.

2. Schedule facebooking, text messaging, and phone calls to specific times of the day, when others are not wanting your attention.

3. Focus your attention on each task until it is completed. With better prefrontal cortex activation, your working memory will function well enough to code information into your long-term memory.

Then you will have a better chance to be present with the work at hand and the people your engaged with.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Reference and great reading: John B. Arden’s “Rewire Your Brain: Think Your Way to a Better Life.”

Read “Rushing:I’m only five minutes late and got so much done.”

Everyone has some relative who has bad table manners, belongs to a crazy cult, or drinks too much. We tend to be hardest on those closest to us, wanting to eradicate their bad habits. Yet, showing embarrassment and disapproval tends to draw out the worst in those around us, and may reveal that we care too much about the family image.

Our relatives don’t define who we are and besides, no one is perfect. Life is too short to worry about the imperfections in those around us. Generally, a sense of humor can help us overlook our family’s extreme political views or incessant bragging.

You’re better off not trying to change adult relatives or to get them to see the light. If they haven’t changed in 20 years, they are not likely to change now. The exception would be if they became deeply motivated to change within themselves.

Abusive behavior or language, however, is another matter completely. It’s important to speak up or leave when someone is aggressive or acts inappropriately, such as name calling or exercising harsh criticism. When you respond to a verbal attack, you could say, “When you call me names, it’s denigrating to both of us, and makes me want to leave. If you have something to say to me, say it respectfully.” If they can’t stop their belittling behavior, then it’s time to limit or stop spending your time with them.

Harmless personality quirks, though, can be seen as a source of amusement rather than providing you with a mission to correct them. Challenge yourself to use your wit, creativity, and humanity to overlook imperfections and to bring out the best in those eccentric family members around you.

You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.

                                                                  ~Robin Williams

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read "Living Together, Part I"

Healthy Relationships and Solutions to Happiness--a Blog